The McDonalds of Coffee*

As we all know, my holiday spirit 2006 was lacking. So lacking that it needed serious CPR to make it through the season. It was lucky I hadn't signed the DNR. I mean it was bad.

So in a last ditch effort to inject some life into my holiday spirit, I decided to take the Friday before Christmas off and spend it with my hubby. We were going to go shopping and just enjoy being around each other. Good plan huh? I thought so, time with my hubby is good for me.

So... I drop the kids off at day care with a smile on my face and head to my local "Starchucks" for some over priced, highly caloric, coffee creation. That's when it all went wrong.

I don' t know about you, but I usually try to avoid "Starchucks". Twice in the last few months I have had bad experiences there. Let me tell you about them...

#1... When you order iced coffee with milk, what would expect to get? Coffee, ice and milk, right? NOT coffee, ice and some nasty-ass syrup! Apparently iced coffee with milk translates into "Starchukian" as Iced Cafe con Leche. Hey, I'm no expert, but doesn't that mean Coffee with milk in Spanish? No mention of said super sweet, super sucky syrup! Besides I don't think "Iced" is Spanish? Anyhow... Guess what I got? Yep, you got it.. No milk and a diabetic fit in the car.

#2... I'm prepared this time... Again I ask for "Iced Coffee with Milk" but I make sure to mention that I don't want the syrup. No, really I don't want the syrup. "Ok!", she says, "No problem!" What do I get? You'll never guess... Hallelujah! No syrup! But wait... Isn't there milk in something that is supposed to be "con Leche"? No Milk? Wait it gets better...

Me: I'm sorry there was supposed to milk in that.

Barrista: No.

Me: on the inside (Excuse me, What? Did she just tell me, THE CUSTOMER, No?)
Me: on the outside: Oh but she said there would be.

Barrista Bitch: (Yes, I renamed her) Oh she didn't tell me. It's over there. (This was followed by a general wave in the direction of the sugar and cream area)

Oh yes, my friends it gets even better...
When I looked at the "Starchucks" shorthand on the cup it said ICCL! Can anyone tell me what that means? Oh my... could it mean Iced Cafe CON LECHE BITCH!

Here's the thing, not even that made me stop going to "Starchucks", #3, however, just might do the trick...

#3...Quick recap: December 23rd, mid- morning attempt to get rid of the Grinchyness...

In an attempt to be quick about it, I drove through the drive-thru. Having a great time chatting with my long lost friend, I quickly ordered 2 drinks and waited my turn. When I pulled up, I decided to quit relying on the ATM card and use an antiquated from of payment called cash. Now, I know that of the various types of cash out there that the $10 bill is not the favorite. Most prefer the $20 and some like the $1. But as a form of cash it is still perfectly legal.

I hand the Barrista (she's not a bitch) my $10 bill and wait some more. As the gal hands me my drinks another Barrista comes to the window, my $10 bill in hand. This is how it went...

Barrista #2:(Voice as sickly sweet as the damn syrup) Do you have another form of payment?

Me: (Shocked and embarrassed) Is there a problem?

Barbie Barrista: Um... There's no strip, the paper feels funny and the back is awfully green.

Me: Umm... ahhh... Use this. (The dreaded ATM)

At this point I had hung up on my poor friend in my shock and amazement. (Sorry Dani) I was so surprised. I was at a loss of what to say and felt guilty for something... what, I don't know.

Barbie Barrista: Sorry about that! (A smile)

Me: Yeah

I drive home angry, tearful and confused. Merry Frickn' Christmas! Stupid counterfeiting people! I needed that $10- nevermind I just spent it on useless coffee. (Hey, I'm in the right here, remember?)

I'd like to tell you that's the end of the story but it's not...

As I stormed into the house, I decided to finally examine said offending bill. Yes, the paper was worn. Nope, no strip. And the back was too green... well, it was green anyway and not the new fancy orange.

Upon even closer examination I discovered the key to the whole scam. That Barrista was too smart for me. She is quite the Counterfeit Catching Queen! Wow, I couldn't get this past her.

It must have been the strip that tripped me up... I should have put the strip in, I just didn't think that the US Treasury Department was using strips in... wait for it... 1963!

Yep- 1963! If you were 47 years old and made out of a fabric paper I bet you'd be a little worn out too. And that fact that you were still green at all is amazing!

Upon reflection, I know that this is a dumb story and a dumb reason to dislike "Starchucks" but who cares, I'm the consumer and I can elect to spend my old, possibly counterfeit, money somewhere else.

1963? Come on... I mean really. TWIT!

But thanks to the valiant effort of my hubby and my best friend, my holiday spirit has survived to see another day. Hopefully it won't need hospice this year.

So be warned- $10 bills are tricky and simple coffee drinks are not worth the time of the sofisticated "Starchucks Barrista". Don't believe me? Just trying ordering a black coffee and see what happens.

*Thank you to Sara for the Title