We all handle our grief in different ways- I find that I cope with anger. Not the best of coping mechanisms. When the grief is ours alone to cope with, it is easier to let it all out, but when you are in a figure of some authority and must help others to cope it is downright impossible for me to know what to do.
This weekend one of my students was killed in a car accident. She was 21 years old. Born in 1986- 1986! I can remember 1986- people born in 1986 are not supposed to die. It's wrong. It's against nature. It sucks and I'm angry.
Megan was a wonderful woman. Friendly and amazing. She was kind to all and liked by all. So can anyone tell me why the hell she, of all people, is dead? No. No one can- I know that, I understand that and I hate that.
I sit here angry and realize that I am writing all about me- my anger, my grief... How selfish... I should write about her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her intelligence. Her beauty. She was a tech student, one of the rare ones. She wanted to learn all she could and always made an effort to be her best. She cared deeply for her family, her friends and her fiancee. How can I sit here and use my breath to complain? I'm sorry Megan- I'm so sorry.
I try to pray- and if I can, I pray that she feels no pain and is free from anger. Her face keeps flashing before my mind and I can't help but think she'll walk in through my shop doors any minute with 2 cups of tea and a smile.
Oh god- why?
6 comments:
I know, and I don't know. She was so awesome, and beautiful. I'm sad, but it doesn't seem real. I guess I handle grief with denile.
p.s. denile may be spelled wrong, but I spell checked it and the only option it gave me was penile. (Megan would have laughed)
Penile denial. Sounds like a something a guy complains about after a date.
(I laugh so that I don't cry.)
The 1986 freaked me out, too. My siblings were born in '85, and they are so young.
Megan was such a wonderful person. She brought a smile wherever she went. I am so, so sad that she has been robbed of her bright future. I am also sad for everybody who had yet to meet or work with her, for they have been denied a true joy.
-gk
Oh, Cat- I'm so sorry.
There are no words. There are no answers. But for what it is worth...your words, your thoughts about her shows a sort of infusion, a little bit of Megan inside you. :)
It is so sad, unfair, unjust, and unfortunate. There are no words. There never are to describe such overwhelming emotions. All I know is there is no right way or wrong way to handle grief. There is just your way.
Keep Megan's spirit close to you. And do what you need to do to make it through.
With love.
I'm always here to listen to your anger. Besides...be angry - if you feel something it will help you cope. I love you.
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