Next Time on "Wild Kingdom"...

So apprently my backyard is the new locale of "Wild Kingdom". I have 2 episodes for you and both invlove a boy and his dog.

Picture, if you will, a warm weekday mid-morning. Early summer, late spring. A sleepy mother had just reawakened for the day having already taken her Kindergartener to school. The happy noises of a boy and his dog coming from the backyard. As she groggily stumbles to the bathroom to begin the day (if you know what I mean) her mind is jerked awake by a knock at the door. "Mommy we have to help the bird" "What?" Again..."Mommy we have to help the bird" Again... "What?".... "A bird?" We don't have a bird..." The mother, in her confusion and not fully clothed state follows her little cherub outside to find.... THE BIRD.

In the backyard is a small Adirondak chair- As seen here, it is a chair with several slats. Her chair has the slats VERY close together.

Now that you have the visual....

As she opens the sliding door, she gasps in dismay to see a small bird with one of it's tiny feet caught between 2 slats, hanging upside down. Blood all over. Poop all over. The little cherub points, "Mommy we have to help the bird!"

Yes, yes we do, the question is...HOW?

The bleary-eyed mother begins to dither. As she approaches the poor creature it begins flapping around in a panic. So she begins fluttering around in a panic. NOT good bird retreival technique. Gathering her wits about her (not much to gather) she goes into the house for reinforcements. Deciding to use a dish cloth, bamboo skewer and a knife, she reemerges into the back yard. Covering the bird with the towel to calm it's nerves (and hers) she begins to try to free the bird. Poking at the poor birds foot produces no good result. Trying to wedge the slats apart with the knife is only marginally better. Finally, in a flash of brillance she runs for the hammer!

Easy there... this is a family show- the hammer is for the slat. Gingerly holding the bird in the towel with one hand and deflty weilding a hammer with the other, the frazzled mother strikes a blow for bird freedom. As the small sparrow slips free of it's fetters it's little heart rapidly beating- the true comedy begins.

Clutching her injured prize to her bosom, she begins running about like a chicken with.... wait, bad metaphor, um... let's see... running around like a... well you get the idea. As she's running about looking for the proper recepticle for her bundle of bird muttering about how to call a vet and wondering if birds can wear a cast, she begins to rock the bird. Yes, that's right she's ROCKING the bird, as if this will calm, the now terrified, creature.

After bundling the bird in a box, she decides to use her life line and call a friend. Her trusty and ever reliable husband tells her to simply let the bird go. WHAT?!!? Shouldn't she take it to the vet for expensive and painful tests!?!?! No... Let the bird go...either he'll survive or he won't... Wow, that's harsh... But really, how is it different from any other day? Circle of life and all that...

So... Following her helpful hubbies suggestion she prepares to release him into the wild... before she can even unveil the bird off he flits and, while slightly lopsided, escapes into the wild blue yonder... And while slightly shaken and more than a little concerned about bird flu, she feels pretty darn good about her morning.

-End Episode One-

Fade In... Again we begin our story with a boy and his dog... But let me warn you... this tale has no happy ending...

Again the bleary-eyed Mama awakes to find her cherub out of doors. As she goes to greet her son she starts at what is before her. As it's the first part of her day, she forgot to put on her glasses, but even in her myopic condition she see what she thinks is the underbelly of a turtle.

A turtle? We don't have a turtle? And why is the turtle on the dogs pillow?

"Where did THAT come from?" she tries not to screech. "The kitty" "What? The Kitty? What kitty?" "WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!"

"The Kitties house"

Ok, so she decides the origin of the amphibian must remain a mystery. Upon closer inspection and to her dismay it quickly becomes clear that the poor little guy isn't playing opossum. The well chewed turtle is well past his 9th life.

Now to be fair, just HOW and WHEN the turtle was chewed up was still a mystery, but her gut feeling was that the poor creature had long met his maker before the boy and his dog came upon him.

After moving past the sad stage to the more than disgusted phase, again comes the dithering. She tends to dither- it's her thing. So after going in cirlces for a couple seconds and regaining control of her gag reflex she comes to a decision.

To the trash can she goes and after a slight moment of regret for the fairly new dog pillow, she carries the poor guy upon the funeral pillow to "the can". The only tricky part came when she tried to open the backyard gate with one hand and nearly dumped the chewed up corpse on her head...Ewwww

-End Episode 2-

Look forward to our next crazy adventure of a our bleary-eyed Mama and her amazing backyard antics... Who knows what Wild Animal will grace her patio next?