Not-so-happy Reunion...

I've been stewing over something for a good while and have now decided to hash it out.

Recently, I've had a couple exchanges with people that I knew in high school that have left a bitter taste in my mouth. With the advent of social networking/stalking, it has become en vogue to "befriend" all of your long lost classmates. Often times, this is a positive and even life changing experience. However, what several people fail to remember is that high school was literally a lifetime ago. I've lived twice as long as I had then. I've learned more, grown more and in general am no longer that awkward, uncomfortable in my skin, acne faced and angsty teenager. Why then, do they insist on "commenting" on my page as if I am still that person and actually being quite rude about it.
Yes, I was loud and used it as a way to cover my confusion or fear. Yes, I was a smartass, it was all I knew to do to keep from crying. Some of that may still be true, but I am not the same person I was. At least I don't think I am.
What concerns me too is that my "legacy" seems to be one that has left a bitter taste in the mouth's of others. I'm afraid I'm not remembered well. Was I really all that much of a bitch? Did I treat others with the derision I feel now? Is this a case of revenge of the slighted 20 years later?
I was never one of the popular kids. I wasn't a cheerleader or jock. I wasn't class president or even a particularly brilliant student. I was just me. Apparently who I was wasn't so great.
I know I 'm not who I was, and that I am still trying to figure out who I will be, but who I am is a person, with insecurities, hopes, dreams, fears and feelings. I know I am a good person. I am a kind person. I know who I am, kind of.
I am sad that people still judge me by what they thought they knew of me... I guess all I can do is try not to judge them as I remember them but embrace them as I see them.
I hope I can do this because I'm not done growing and changing. Who knows what or who I'll be if I live another lifetime... probably old and cranky, but with one hell of a sense of humor. (I hope)

Is it really THAT hard?

I've now experienced my first sense of discrimination based on my daughters diabetes. Can I just say this is BULLSH!T??
A gut reaction, clearly motivated by fear and ignorance has made it difficult for me to find my children day care. Mention the word "Diabetic" and people start to close down. Instead of staying open and asking how they can help, I am given phrases like, "I'm not sure we can accommodate that". I'm sorry, did you just tell me that you are refusing to help my DAUGHTER WITH A SPECIAL NEED???? To be fair, I hate being told "No", always have, but this is crossing the line.
I'm trying to be open minded myself, and remember that they might not be aware of how a diabetic is cared for and that it CAN be done quite simply. However, why should I HAVE to fight for her to have a spot? WHY????? I shouldn't and, according to the laws of the State of California, I don't have to.
I am NOT a litigious person, but I was THIS close to calling up the American Diabetes Association and invoking the power of the Almighty Americans with Disabilities Act! This poor little Child Care would have been smashed like a bug.
I didn't do that and after an email exchange, a face to face conversation and SEVERAL stupid mix-ups and hoops, the kids DO have a place for day care for the 2 days a week I could get. But NO ONE, especially in this day and age, should have to go through this kind of thing- not because of skin color, gender or special need. It's beyond stupid.

Can you hear me now?

Have you ever stopped to listen to the amount of noise that surrounds us everyday. So called, white noise. I think I may be hyper sensitive to the white noise. I am constantly telling the kids to stop make extras noises, just for the sake of noise. Don't get me started on the noises people make when they eat. Please, don't. Or the dogs, they make so much noise just breathing...
Why I bring this up is I think my home computer hates me. It's loud, stupid loud. The toilet might be in league with the 'pooter too. When is runs at a constant decible level that is beyond normal for any porcelain throne, I want to tear my hair out. The other day I tried to shut off the computer for some actual silence and it kept restarting. And, yes, I did turn off the power strip. The only thing I didn't so was physically rip the cord out of the wall, and it still drones on. Making the dreaded white noise.
In the living room, the X-box whines at me if I'm not using it. Drives me mad and when I do use it, I am amazed at how my ears sigh in relief once I turn it off. Now don't get me wrong, I am not a noise-nazi. I love my music and I love it loud (sometimes). My husband would argue the point, but he has pilot deafness and so I smile and nod my head and let him call me old. (IT's still too loud, dear)
I guess my point is, that I need some actual silence. Some time without man made white noise berating my ear drums. I want to just sit a hear what nature made. Relax in the sun and not be prodded by the phone ringing, email beeping, or any other of the multitude of artificial noises we surround ourselves with.
My ears are tired. And quite frankly, I'm tired of say "Huh?" all the time. Some people would be driven mad by the silence, but I think I'm ready for a little audio vacation. Bring on the ear muffs!!!

A New Year

Two thousand and eleven. I will be 35 years old. More than half my life may have passed me by.

What have I done that is of merit in those 35 years? How will I be remembered? Who will wear red to my funeral? What kind of foods will be made in my name? Who will stand and speak of me and what will they say? What music will be played?

These are morbid questions and very egocentric, but they do make me pause a reflect.

Am I a person worthy of being remembered? Will I be worth remembering when my time comes. Life is so unpredictable that who knows when that time will be. That makes me think I should act and be the person that I want to be remembered at all times. That's hard. VERY HARD. STUPID HARD.

I have bad days (lots) I have lazy days. I have days where I'm not the best person I know or could be. What if that's how I'm remembered? For my bad days.

People tend to remember us for how we made them feel. Will I be remembered for making people feel good or bad? Feeling sad? Angry? How will they feel?

I want to be remembered as a good person, but that's not enough.

It's a new year and already it has not started on the best foot... I seem to trip myself up a lot. Is a new year really symbolic or just an excuse? Shouldn't we be a good person all the time; regardless of season or calendar? Yes, but I think the new calendar and new years gives us the impetus to try again, to begin again.

So here's to a new beginning... a new year... a new chance to be the person I want to be remembered for... and if it doesn't work out well there's always 2012... shit, doesn't the world end that year?? Best get my ducks in a row!